Gender-Affirming Coming Out Letter to Loved Ones

So you’ve made the decision to come out to your loved ones.

Now what?

“Coming out” is a broad term that describes the process of sharing your sexual orientation and/or gender identity. This does not happen just once, but actually continues throughout your life. The decision to share your experience is very personal and looks different for everyone.

We know that coming out about gender identity is a very intimate decision that can be challenging and complex to figure out.

Whether today is the first time you have come out—or it’s the 1000th time, sharing this information can be difficult.

Much of this can be due to safety, what your needs are, how you feel about disclosure, how comfortable you are, etc.

For many, this decision can feel like a weight is being lifted off of your shoulders.

For others, sharing your gender identity can feel really tough and scary.

For many, it’s a combination of those feelings and many others.

No matter how you feel, it’s normal and valid. Please remember you matter, you’re not alone, you’re so very loved, you’re brave, and you deserve support always.

Planning

Before you share your experience with others, it’s definitely helpful to have some preparation ahead of time. This allows you to:

• Make a safety plan
  Who do I think is safe to share this with?
  What’s my backup plan for housing, food, etc. if they are unsupportive?
  Is there anyone who already knows who can be a support system for me?
  How can I take care of my mental health before, during, and after I share?
  

• Check in with yourself

  How am I feeling?
  What emotions am I having?
  Do I feel safe?
  Have I reminded myself that there is no ‘right’ way to come out?
  Have I reminded myself that
  

• Prepare what you want to say

  What do you want your family, friends, or co-workers to know?

  Is there anything you want to make sure you don’t forget?

  How can this discussion be affirming for you?
  How can I be clear, sincere, and straightforward?

  It’s helpful to also anticipate some of the possible questions, thoughts, or concerns your loved ones may have. You probably won’t be able to think of all of them, which is totally ok!

• Consider what boundaries you want put in place

  Do I want to answer questions?

  If I’m ok answering questions, what questions am I comfortable answering?

  What questions am I uncomfortable with answering?

  Do I want them to share this information with others?

  Do I want to have this discussion in person, via email, handwritten letter, text?

  When do I want to have this discussion?

How do I come out to my family, friends, co-workers, and loved ones?

Below is a sample letter you can use as a template to send via email ahead of time or as a script to help you when you’re speaking.

Please note that I did not write this letter. It was kindly shared with me from a client who had the courage to create and send this to their family before they saw them for the holidays.

I have received permission from this client to share it in hopes that it helps others who are trying to figure out the words to say when coming out. Please feel free to copy this letter and change pronouns, gender identity, or other information to however it best fits for you!

There is also a link at the bottom of the page so you can download the letter and make it your own.

Also, please feel free to share this with anyone else who you might feel could use this. For ease of reference, I have highlighted spaces where identifiers may need to be changed in blue.

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Hello family, mom, dad, parents, friends, co-workers, everyone! I wanted to reach out and share with you today that I am nonbinary, and use they/them pronouns. I have been out as nonbinary in my private life for a while and I’m ready to bring that part of myself to our family.

Why now?

I've been sitting with this for a long time, and would like to interact with all of you as my truest self. Over the past year, I have been exploring my identity, and there have been some incredibly positive changes in my life as a result. I love this family, and I am excited to share this news and be authentically present and welcomed by all of you. 

What does that mean for me, your family member?

I’m asking you to change how you talk to me and how you refer to me. I've started using Your Name as my first name, and instead of using she or her pronouns to refer to me, you can use they and them. An example of what this might look like could include, “Your Name sent that message about their pronouns.” It’s kind of awkward at first, but it gets easier with practice.

What can I call you?

– Addressing me: Name, you, friend, child/grandchild, Mx. Smith (pronounced “mix”)…

– Referring to me: Name, they, them, theirs, that charming person, Partner’s spouse…

What shouldn’t I call you?

– Addressing me: daughter, niece, aunt, lady, wife, girl, woman, ma’am…

– Referring to me: she, her, he, him, it, Ms., Miss, lady, girl, woman

What if I get it wrong?

It’s okay to make mistakes! If you catch yourself, correct and move on. What’s important is to keep trying.

Please try to remember that if you do make a mistake, don’t make a big deal about it. It actually makes me feel more uncomfortable when you do this.

Will you correct me if I get it wrong?

Probably. It depends on the situation. If I remind you, it’s because I know we respect each other and both care about our relationship.

A helpful tip to remember is if you call me by the wrong name or use incorrect pronouns, say 3 kind things about me using the right name and correct pronouns.

Can I correct others?

Yes, in the spirit of correcting folks firmly and kindly rather than calling them out. We’re all in community with each other, and want to be generous with each other as we learn.

I don’t agree that I should use they/them pronouns for you.

I hope that you can respect me and honor how I am asking to be addressed. Love and respect are important values in this family, and you do not need to understand this decision in order to be kind.

Is there anything else I should know?

That’s it! There are more resources on how to affirm nonbinary folks online if you are interested in learning more on your own or have questions.

This is an exciting transition, and I am so happy to be able to share it with you. Honesty is very important to me and it feels good to be able to share my truth with you. Thank you for your support.

With love,

Name

If you’d like to download a copy of this letter, please click here: Gender Affirming Coming Out Letter

If you’d like more information on coming out, as well as other resources for the LGBTQIA2s+ community, please refer to my resources page here: Resources